A Beginning

A new beginning is always good. This blog is, simply, about my New York life. What I consider to be my journey of discovery, walking through this beautiful city, and meeting its intense and interesting people. Nowadays, everyone is looking for something enlightening and spiritual, truth is in this topsy turvy world is elusive. Some may go to India to study meditation, others might join the Peace Corps. New York is my training ground. Where better to learn about myself and this world? The good, the bad, and the ugly exist here. And I want to understand.

New York is a place of motion and movement like no other I have ever been. There is so much energy here, some nights I cannot sleep. Finding peace of mind is a heroic effort, worthwhile, but a constant struggle. There is activity everywhere, and a barrage of image. Too Much Information. You have to walk down Canal street on a busy afternoon to understand the level of frustration that one can feel here.

I believe the effort of stilling my mind will one day make me truly strong, a worthy scion of my upright ancestors. Push-ups for my brain. Someone wise once said to me, that if I could survive in New York, I could live in, and in some way transcend, any city in the world.

Though I consider myself weak and easily fooled by the glitter and polished image of this world, I still long to be a righteous man, as my grandfathers and others of their great generation are. They fought a just war and took no personal credit. They fulfilled their loyalty to their country. Raised families and stayed together. They are my inspiration. I came here to be closer to them, but the demands of work and daily life often keeps me away. I have found deep shame within myself over this. I have to remind myself that I am only human.

As I watch my family cope with life, some with new babies, some experiencing tragic death (the suicide of my quiet 21 year old cousin), I realize that being 'grown-up' often means just not having enough time for everything. Responsibility is heavy. I don't know if I am strong enough.

It is never easy here. Living in this city, bursting at the seams with people, my anger often rises at careless drivers swerving into bike lanes or people who push to get in the subway. A few breaths helps me remember that being calm is more important than being right. To yield is to be benevolent, I tell myself over and over again. There are many chances to yield here. You can go first, I think to myself as I board the subway behind the crush.

New York remains, a city of people. Immigrants and natives, we all look for harmony together. Growing up in Texas, I always felt we were individuals. Everyone just looked out for them self. We lived isolated, encased in our brick homes or enormous trucks. Here, we are New Yorkers. We ride the packed subway together and sit in the parks on clear sunny days, grateful for some respite from big city life.

New York is a city about trying to find your way. Generations of people have come to New York chasing some kind of dream. Everyone comes here for a reason. Actress? Costume Designer? Model? Musician? Fleeing oppression or poverty overseas? This is the place to come. The bright lights and big city. I still not sure what I'm looking for, but it can be found here.

Instead of a horse, my mount on my journey is a beautiful all white fixed-gear bicycle. The bike's journey through physical space is indescribably elegant and quiet. My peace an quiet. Every second my life is in danger, my survival dependent on focus and calm., I have never felt more alive.

This rock that we call New York is also a place where it is easy to get lost. The many young people I meet are all in the same situation, we are 'getting by'. There is money to live, but always just barely. We are not starving, and I know I should be grateful, but working everyday to make the rent becomes an endless cycle.

In the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray says 'anything different being good', after living the same day over and over agin in a super-natural test of character and faith. He found his faith, and broke out of his groundhog day, I hope I can do the same.

I think about New York in the time of its original Native Americans caretakers. Trees and grass, snow covered meadows, before a skyscraper was ever built. Their peaceful spirit lives here still.

This is just the beginning, there will be more to follow...