Chapter 9.

The Sage Tseng said, "Solicitude on the decease of one's parents, and the pursuit of this for long after, would cause an abundant restoration of the people's morals."

Well this has several aspects for me.  First I had to look up 'solicitude' to make sure I understood the word correctly.

–noun

1.

the state of being solicitous; anxiety or concern.

2.

solicitudes, causes of anxiety or care.

3.

an attitude expressing excessive attentiveness.

Ok so the formatting won't reset.  At first I really just wanna make it work like I usually do.  Force a square peg into the roundest hole I can find.  For me that usually means having obsessive , singular, oft times angry focus on a task that probably actually CANNOT be done.  And certainly does not NEED to be done.  

Maybe this is the idea behind Filial Piety anyway.  I had a moment of clear minded inspiration, if just an instant.  I try too hard.  How can I be worried about my parents when try so blooming hard?  Its just not natural, AND, it has to be more about my ego and how I want others to praise me than it is about ACTUAL PIETY.  Learned this lesson in every job I've ever had.  DO MY POSITION.  Eat was the first time that I began to stay within the boundaries of my position.  Yes I skirted the edges a bit.  But nothing like before.  So that's some progress.

Progress is one of those difficult things to measure.  Progress is not linear.  Evaluating something as complex as cultivating is not an easy task.  It is undoubtedly not possible for my human mind... so the question begs... why do I keep trying.  FOOLISH.

Looking at the way my training in GS has progressed, it is hard to see the big picture.  Giant, complex systems like the human body with its myriad of twists and turns, are difficult to get a grip on.  So why try?  That's how I waste my time.  Just like I did with the Long Cycle in February.... doing the same set over and over and over again, beating myself down, making myself weaker.  How is this useful for me?  My cultivation is the same.  My introspection should be the same.  Instead of writing the same 5 words over and over, I should work to make gentle progress IN MANY DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.  DO WHAT MY BODY WANTS TO DO TODAY! (or mind or soul or heat).  All I can deal with is what the day presents me.  I think this will be a much better way to honor and respect my parents than always needing attention, always wanting to be the best.

Its not just about wanting to have better virtue.  Sure I love virtue.  I love propriety.  But what I lack is the natural balance that reveals those NATURAL QUALITIES.  Tao is very much like biofeedback training.  Half the effort, twice the result.  Just have to find the Golden Mean in everything I do.  This is my catch phrase for the rest of the week:  The Golden Mean.  Stop.

Chapter 8.

Kong Zi said, "A scholar who is not grave will not inspire respect, and his learning will therefore lack stability.  His chief principles should be conscientiousness and sincerity.  Let him have no friends unequal to himself.  And, when in the wrong, let him not hesitate to amend."

I'm really struggling on my path right now.  The way of the righteous man and the way of the mortal man are really two opposing sides of a coin.  What this passage means to me can be summed up in one word:  sincerity.

This has to be my strong point and my goal in daily life.  I am what I am, but my heart can always be sincere and humble.  On my job interview today I could certainly have been more sincere.  Generally I am just too worried about what people are going to think of me.  Always trying to impress.  INSECURE = INSINCERE.

Even if they are my potential boss or my boss what does it matter? Fuck that.  I have to have simple confidence in my learning and my Tao connection.  To MY.  To my True Self.  All this negativity in my heart and brain is taking me absolutely nowhere.

Gentle now.  Gentle.  Every day is filled with small progress and small revelations.  The true sage keeps going when the times are tough.  The sincere man does not judge himself by anyones else's standards.  Why?  Because he has his own virtuous standards inside.  For me, I HAVE these standards.  I just don't trust them enough and get caught in these self depreciating self loathing self hating loops.  NOT VERY FUCKING USEFUL MICHAEL!  Well who is this introspection for anyway?  Its supposed to help me right?  Not spend my time begging pointlessly for forgiveness all the while continuing my deviant behavior.

Grave.  Not sure that is the right word, but serious in everything I do. EC always tells me I need to take things more seriously, but I think I mix that up with forcefully.  This introspection is rambling.  My mind is a tumble of jacks and dice all being banged around inside my head.  Lady luck is having her way with me today.

Let me say this, instead of thinking about having friends equal to myself, I need to learn to be my own friend.  To be equal in my living to that which is in my heart.  Natural harmony.  Honest with myself.  Dear Heaven, please let me see my mistakes clearly & have the courage to face them.  I don't want to waste my life. I am entitled to my faith.  Only I can give it away.

Stop Here.

Chapter 7.

I can always tell how big a problem I have related to the passage I want to introspect on relative to how much I don't want to write about it and how long I procrastinate about it.  This one is big.


Tzu Hsia said, "He who transfers his mind from feminine allurement to excelling in virtue, who in serving his parents is ready to do so to the utmost of his ability; who in the service of his prince is prepared to lay down his life, and who in intercourse with his friends is sincere in what he says, though others may speak of him as uneducated, I shall certainly call him erudite."

Three days I've been trying to make myself sit down to write this.  Three days nothing but my lust has been on my mind.  I can make no mistake, I am very lustful.  I'm not talking about how much I love Amanda and how I want to marry her and raise a family.  That's the natural part.  That's the Tao part.  This is why I am so fucked up and confused about sex.  We all are.

What I'm talking about is the non-stop, constant, ever-pervasive exhaustion that comes with the observation of the opposite sex in NYC.  Its pretty much 24-7.  On the train I choose cars based on the prettiest girls.  I am happy to rearrange my standing habits to get a better glimpse or even a touch with a particularly hot random stranger.

All these tests are natural, but what really has me down is the realization, upon reading this, that all of the other things mentioned I am pretty good at.  There is loyalty and righteousness in my heart.  There is a deep-seeded desire to be proper and filial.  And there is an intrinsic love of cultivation and understanding.  There is a benevolent heart for others.  My current foray into my own business, and finding out what food really means to me, i.e. healing and nurturing and true happiness, has shown me that.

However, all of these good good qualities are covered up by my incessant desire of sexual release and gratification.  Tonight was a real struggle about whether or not to call a certain hot commodity I know and fuck her every which way I can.    There is something raw and primal in sex that I am attracted to.  Its the power.  The manliness.  Amanda takes that away by requiring such gentle lovemaking.  There is a level of emasculation.  This is how the opposite sex uses their power.  In the yin way.  Or as Scott told me one time, they become more submissive and gain power that way.

EXHAUSTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I seriously wish I didn't have to bear this mortal burden.  I don't feel the bond or the love I have with Amanda is in any way stopping or hindering my spiritual cultivation.  I actually feel it furthers it.  But this constant obsession with pussy is wearing me down.  Its wearing all Americans down.  And its turning us into a nation of weaklings.  We have given up our dreams of virtue and solid lives to go down the path of self gratification.  I did it myself for 3 years at Angelica.  No hope.  No virtue.  No value in being a cultivated human being.  Image and trend were valued above all else.  What a fucking waste of time.  I don't know how I can solve this problem, but I actually think that the video I watched last night of Ram Das talking about addiction was very helpful.  First I have to be very gentle with myself.  Second I cannot create a yin/yang opposition with the problem.  The way to overcome is to see my name.  Just continue laying the foundation.  Continue bowing.  Continue nurturing the root.  Eventually the problem (weed) will have no soil to grow in.  But my righteousness will.  Thank You LM.  Do it for myself, for my own happiness, and for the happiness of all beings.
Stop.