Chapter 9.

The Sage Tseng said, "Solicitude on the decease of one's parents, and the pursuit of this for long after, would cause an abundant restoration of the people's morals."

Well this has several aspects for me.  First I had to look up 'solicitude' to make sure I understood the word correctly.

–noun

1.

the state of being solicitous; anxiety or concern.

2.

solicitudes, causes of anxiety or care.

3.

an attitude expressing excessive attentiveness.

Ok so the formatting won't reset.  At first I really just wanna make it work like I usually do.  Force a square peg into the roundest hole I can find.  For me that usually means having obsessive , singular, oft times angry focus on a task that probably actually CANNOT be done.  And certainly does not NEED to be done.  

Maybe this is the idea behind Filial Piety anyway.  I had a moment of clear minded inspiration, if just an instant.  I try too hard.  How can I be worried about my parents when try so blooming hard?  Its just not natural, AND, it has to be more about my ego and how I want others to praise me than it is about ACTUAL PIETY.  Learned this lesson in every job I've ever had.  DO MY POSITION.  Eat was the first time that I began to stay within the boundaries of my position.  Yes I skirted the edges a bit.  But nothing like before.  So that's some progress.

Progress is one of those difficult things to measure.  Progress is not linear.  Evaluating something as complex as cultivating is not an easy task.  It is undoubtedly not possible for my human mind... so the question begs... why do I keep trying.  FOOLISH.

Looking at the way my training in GS has progressed, it is hard to see the big picture.  Giant, complex systems like the human body with its myriad of twists and turns, are difficult to get a grip on.  So why try?  That's how I waste my time.  Just like I did with the Long Cycle in February.... doing the same set over and over and over again, beating myself down, making myself weaker.  How is this useful for me?  My cultivation is the same.  My introspection should be the same.  Instead of writing the same 5 words over and over, I should work to make gentle progress IN MANY DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.  DO WHAT MY BODY WANTS TO DO TODAY! (or mind or soul or heat).  All I can deal with is what the day presents me.  I think this will be a much better way to honor and respect my parents than always needing attention, always wanting to be the best.

Its not just about wanting to have better virtue.  Sure I love virtue.  I love propriety.  But what I lack is the natural balance that reveals those NATURAL QUALITIES.  Tao is very much like biofeedback training.  Half the effort, twice the result.  Just have to find the Golden Mean in everything I do.  This is my catch phrase for the rest of the week:  The Golden Mean.  Stop.

Chapter 8.

Kong Zi said, "A scholar who is not grave will not inspire respect, and his learning will therefore lack stability.  His chief principles should be conscientiousness and sincerity.  Let him have no friends unequal to himself.  And, when in the wrong, let him not hesitate to amend."

I'm really struggling on my path right now.  The way of the righteous man and the way of the mortal man are really two opposing sides of a coin.  What this passage means to me can be summed up in one word:  sincerity.

This has to be my strong point and my goal in daily life.  I am what I am, but my heart can always be sincere and humble.  On my job interview today I could certainly have been more sincere.  Generally I am just too worried about what people are going to think of me.  Always trying to impress.  INSECURE = INSINCERE.

Even if they are my potential boss or my boss what does it matter? Fuck that.  I have to have simple confidence in my learning and my Tao connection.  To MY.  To my True Self.  All this negativity in my heart and brain is taking me absolutely nowhere.

Gentle now.  Gentle.  Every day is filled with small progress and small revelations.  The true sage keeps going when the times are tough.  The sincere man does not judge himself by anyones else's standards.  Why?  Because he has his own virtuous standards inside.  For me, I HAVE these standards.  I just don't trust them enough and get caught in these self depreciating self loathing self hating loops.  NOT VERY FUCKING USEFUL MICHAEL!  Well who is this introspection for anyway?  Its supposed to help me right?  Not spend my time begging pointlessly for forgiveness all the while continuing my deviant behavior.

Grave.  Not sure that is the right word, but serious in everything I do. EC always tells me I need to take things more seriously, but I think I mix that up with forcefully.  This introspection is rambling.  My mind is a tumble of jacks and dice all being banged around inside my head.  Lady luck is having her way with me today.

Let me say this, instead of thinking about having friends equal to myself, I need to learn to be my own friend.  To be equal in my living to that which is in my heart.  Natural harmony.  Honest with myself.  Dear Heaven, please let me see my mistakes clearly & have the courage to face them.  I don't want to waste my life. I am entitled to my faith.  Only I can give it away.

Stop Here.

Chapter 7.

I can always tell how big a problem I have related to the passage I want to introspect on relative to how much I don't want to write about it and how long I procrastinate about it.  This one is big.


Tzu Hsia said, "He who transfers his mind from feminine allurement to excelling in virtue, who in serving his parents is ready to do so to the utmost of his ability; who in the service of his prince is prepared to lay down his life, and who in intercourse with his friends is sincere in what he says, though others may speak of him as uneducated, I shall certainly call him erudite."

Three days I've been trying to make myself sit down to write this.  Three days nothing but my lust has been on my mind.  I can make no mistake, I am very lustful.  I'm not talking about how much I love Amanda and how I want to marry her and raise a family.  That's the natural part.  That's the Tao part.  This is why I am so fucked up and confused about sex.  We all are.

What I'm talking about is the non-stop, constant, ever-pervasive exhaustion that comes with the observation of the opposite sex in NYC.  Its pretty much 24-7.  On the train I choose cars based on the prettiest girls.  I am happy to rearrange my standing habits to get a better glimpse or even a touch with a particularly hot random stranger.

All these tests are natural, but what really has me down is the realization, upon reading this, that all of the other things mentioned I am pretty good at.  There is loyalty and righteousness in my heart.  There is a deep-seeded desire to be proper and filial.  And there is an intrinsic love of cultivation and understanding.  There is a benevolent heart for others.  My current foray into my own business, and finding out what food really means to me, i.e. healing and nurturing and true happiness, has shown me that.

However, all of these good good qualities are covered up by my incessant desire of sexual release and gratification.  Tonight was a real struggle about whether or not to call a certain hot commodity I know and fuck her every which way I can.    There is something raw and primal in sex that I am attracted to.  Its the power.  The manliness.  Amanda takes that away by requiring such gentle lovemaking.  There is a level of emasculation.  This is how the opposite sex uses their power.  In the yin way.  Or as Scott told me one time, they become more submissive and gain power that way.

EXHAUSTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I seriously wish I didn't have to bear this mortal burden.  I don't feel the bond or the love I have with Amanda is in any way stopping or hindering my spiritual cultivation.  I actually feel it furthers it.  But this constant obsession with pussy is wearing me down.  Its wearing all Americans down.  And its turning us into a nation of weaklings.  We have given up our dreams of virtue and solid lives to go down the path of self gratification.  I did it myself for 3 years at Angelica.  No hope.  No virtue.  No value in being a cultivated human being.  Image and trend were valued above all else.  What a fucking waste of time.  I don't know how I can solve this problem, but I actually think that the video I watched last night of Ram Das talking about addiction was very helpful.  First I have to be very gentle with myself.  Second I cannot create a yin/yang opposition with the problem.  The way to overcome is to see my name.  Just continue laying the foundation.  Continue bowing.  Continue nurturing the root.  Eventually the problem (weed) will have no soil to grow in.  But my righteousness will.  Thank You LM.  Do it for myself, for my own happiness, and for the happiness of all beings.
Stop.

Chapter 6.

Kong Zi said, "When a student is at home, let him be filial, when abroad, respectful of his elders; let him be ircumspect and truthful and, while exhiiting a comprehensive love for all men, let him ally himself with the good.  Having acted thusly, if he have energy to spare, let him undertake polite studies."

To me, this is all about position and propriety.  Regardless of where I go, I have position and responsibilities.  With my parents it is to be loving and caring.  At work it is to be diligent and careful.  With my wife, it is to be loving and stern.

Why must I observe the propriety so carefully?  Because it leads to harmony.  Taming the ego and accepting my position in the universe, this is truly a joy.  As Kong Zi states, I can abide by the strict propriety out of love of all beings.  Just as with Leila at home, if I fail to take up my position, her entire life will suffer.  Though I am small in the cosmos, I am an integral part.  It feels to me that there are no unimportant parts, so all this insecurity and worthlessness that I carry from my past and my youth is just bullshit that I need to throw away.  Respect myself and I will naturally be calm.  Further, from the statement, "when abroad...", I know that as I engage myself in daily activities, whether it is buying a coffee, or serving people at Eat, that I carry the Tao seal on my back, as well as that as my parents and ancestors heritage.  Every thing I say must be in line with respect and filial piety.  I cannot allow myself to bring them shame, and all my actions should be thusly weighed.

And just a reminder to maintain my trimutive goal for this Year of the Rabbit.  Correct my concept with introspection, see how to apply all I have learned in daily life, and moderate distractions.  Naturally I will be stable.  This means that in my free time, I should maintain focus and undertake worthwhile pursuits.  Not waste time.  But me moderate.  Just like with a GS set, its not quantity, but quality of focus. Stop.

Chapter 5.

Kong Zi said, "To conduct the government of a State of a thousand chariots there must be religious attention to business and good faith, economy in expenditure and love of the people, and their employment on public works at the proper seasons."

First let me say, doing this is both difficult and informative.  I don't know if it is really helping me, but at least I am focused on Tao thinking and introspection.  This, however, can also become my fixation.  Over worried about my shortcomings, it is easy for my mind to stray far from a natural state. (notice how I stubbornly refuse to say "Tao state".  it is my goal to carry and exemplify the principles of Tao without ever having to use the term or the word.  to be, in a word, natural in all things.)

When I read this passage, the first thing I felt was that the translation is a little off.  When I reread it, I thought of the Da Xue and the opening trimutive.  Understand the bright virtue.  Love all people.  Know when to stop.  Further, my aim in doing these introspections is not to acccumulate more knowledge or doctorines, or to simply practice another religion (something I must always be on guard for), but to truly apply these things to my daily life.  If I can't see the nature in the small daily matters, there is very little hope for me to understand, as I like to quote, "the nature of the universe.

I remember something CY said to me about my own self being like a country.  Something I could well govern (this goes ack to Da Xue class also).  And I feel that this chapter can inform how I am managing my life and my time now.  I work.  I rest. My life, my country is made up almost entirely of being at home and being at Eat.  Both are like small countries.  In one I am the king, in the other, a trusted minister. 

So, at home, it is really up to me to set the tone.  AMW handles business and is frugal far far more than I am.  I leak money like a bag of water shot with a bee bee gun.  This is something I have to pay much more strict attention to.  Its not that I can't go out to eat, or buy a chocolate bar (the whole chocolate bar thing seems like some kind of powerful dharma, perhaps dutch... ultimately chocolate was something brought back from the New World and abused by Europeans.  the original natives drank it as a healing beverage, and the European invaders made it into another commodity, like tobacco and coffee), its just a matter of being VERY CAREFUL and righteous with money. 

In terms of good faith, I think I can apply this most readily with JC at Eat.  I am trusted with responsibilities.  I am left alone to carry them out.  All in all I have taken care of business.  But sometimes its easy to let my spirit down and not care.  This is the wrong (and slightly selfish) attitude.  We don't have to be busy all the time, nor do I have to 'act like I'm working all the time", but it is a matter of giving an honest and humble effort.  I feel like I have done much better in this regard, but improvement can be made.  Not on the physical level, but in terms of focusing my heart and mind.  Again I remind myself, I don't need to change things, just to fit myself in harmoniously to the systems that are laid out for me.  Experience is knowing when to push and knowing when to back off.  Its easy to lose humility.  I have to guard against this.  Stop here.

Chapter 4.

I know now that I have never achieved anything by thinking or trying.  Much more inspired to WORK toward allowing my True Self to be in charge.  In the lead.

Chapter 4.

The Sage Tseng said, "Every day I examine myself on three points... in planning for others have I failed in my conscientiousness?  In interaction with friends have I been insincere?  And, have I failed to practice what I have been taught?"

I have hesitated working on this chapter.  It shames me because I have no excuse.  I have been taught by the best.  I have been taught the Natural way.  Its all in there, stored in the memory banks of my computer brain.  Now it is up to me to really start to put it into practice.  It is not too late (it never really is)

At the same time, I don't want to start to beat myself up or be down on myself.  One, that is never helpful.  Two, it will simply set me back into the cycles of my Christian karma.  No Right.  No Wrong.  If I am going to truly be a humble person, I have to accept that some lessons are going to be very difficult and shameful.  Just like some sets are so hard.  But I can keep going.  Yes, the bells may get put down for now.  But I will watch the 'tape' and come back with a better approach. 

Anyway, these three sayings give me a lot of food for thought and opportunity to introspect.  I have several people that are very good mirrors for me that I deal with on a daily basis.  They form the core of my family.  Amanda.  Seth.  Jordan.  These are the people that I can constantly check for insincerity in my words and deeds.  Further, looking back to an earlier chapter, am I really respecting the propriety and the order.  Its not above and below Michael.  Its just position and Nature.  And second, I have customers every day for whom I do ALOT of preparation.  Yes they are poisoned.  Yes they have dharma.  Yes they are annoying and insincere and greedy and manipulative and self centered and asses of the first degree.   None of that should matter.  I am supposed to be on the path of Saint King Wen.  No excuses.  What did ML say to me on day 1 back?  Lead with benevolence.  Remember Hui-Neng's sutra.  When all I see is my own shortcomings, then that will really be something. Check myself on these three items three times a day.  Let's see where that gets me.  PUT ALL THIS LEARNING INTO PRACTICE!!!!!!!!!  Stop here.

Chapter 3.

Kong Zi said, "Artful speech and an ingratiating demeanor rarely accompany virtue."

First of all, I want to skip over this chapter.  I glance at it and feel it is far too simple.  The Truth of course, is that I am the world's greatest car salesman.  I speak artfully and can be the world's biggest brown nose.  The flip side of that is if I an tone it down, say at Eat or with my seniors whom I respect (KB & EC), I can actually have loyalty and propriety. 

I saw some good signs of progress last night when, while making noodles, I was successfully able to RESTRAIN myself from speaking.  I don't remember exactly what I wanted to say, but watching Alain try to really overcompensate this week, I recognized this shortcoming in myself.  People tolerate it in me and him because we are sincere.  But at that moment, I felt like I grew up a little.  Seems like a wise person should be able to decide when he speaks and what comes out of his mouth.  I have failed a few other times (telling Jordan about the garlic lack in the soup) but at least I feel I am on the right road again.

Again I remind myself of the person that I want to be.  What a man needs.  Solid.  Quiet.  Strong.  Stable.  I don't need to push myself this year.  Simply set quiet PR's in all aspects of my life.  Do the right thing, be calm in my heart and trust Heaven.  I'm not in charge, and scrambling for advantage or trying to manipulate to maintain position only make me look bad.  Humble, humble, humble.  Gotta have the faith to continue twelve dollars a day. (That reminds me to appreciate and respect the shmoo even more. She is an excellent pair for me.)  Stop here.

Book 1. Chapter 2.

The Sage Yu said, "He who lives a filialy pious life, respecting his elders, and who is wanton to give offense to those above him is rare; and there has never been one respectful of his elders to has been fond of creating disorder.  The True Sage devotes himself to the fundamentals, for when those have een established right courses naturally evolve, and are not filial devotion and respet for elders the very foundations of an unselfish life?"


Interesting.  First off, I had no intention to write anything tonight.  Just felt a little birdie speaking quietly in my ear.  Funny thing too, shortly before sitting to type this, I straightened my bed and sat upright at the computer.

Today was a breakthrough day in fact.  I am just starting to recognize it.  Why you may ask?  Today I found my position.  Above and below both exist.  It is not simply that I am at the bottom of the pile forevermore.  And funnier still, my first impression of the passage above is its all about the order.  If one is respectful of those above him, and those that came before, how can he love anything except propriety?  That is what they are talking about.

In my time cultivating Tao, I can say that I have had a very hard time staying in my position.  Now, as I start to counsel Alain, I see so much more about the story.  In my observation, the story is about the family.  I mean, look at Jordan.  Everyone has shortcomings.  But those who grew up in a relatively balanced and harmonious household naturally understand the propriety.  In the family, everyone has their place.  The bigger the family, the less room there is for everyone's ego.  It's really kind of beautiful.

Of course, this is not how I grew up.  I grew up being self-centered and manipulative as this is what I learned from my mother. There was no family, there was just a group of individuals fighting for their desires and then my little sister suffering through all of it.  Yes apparently I am still angry about it. 

Fine, what does this mean to me now?  I DO LOVE THE ORDER.  Perhaps it is my military background and mindset, but I love the idea and concept of everyone having a position and responsibilities associated with that position.  My problem right now is that I lack the confidence to carry mine out.  Even tonight, reprimanding Alain and taking my "Colonel's" position.  I didn't want to do it.  I was afraid to do it.  Afraid he would fight back, afraid of his qi backlash and afraid that he wouldn't like me anymore.  To that I say BULLSHIT.  I respect EC and he calls me out all the time.  What I have to understand is that IT IS NOT PERSONAL.  The family has to have order.  We are a family at Eat, just as we are a family in Tao and the entire universe is just a family of wayward beings.

Let me repeat, I have to have the confidence to carry out my position.  That's what happened at Tien, I lost my confidence in myself, and of course they never had any in me anyway.  (All this is me dancing around the bush so to speak)  If I wasn't supposed to help guide Alain, would Heaven really have allowed him to follow me?  Would I really have gone through so many of the experiences that he is going through now.  WOULD I STILL BE HERE??? Drawing inspiration from The Analects and feeling deep love in my heart for the Propriety?  I do not believe so (still hard just to write "no")

I have heard so many times, in so many admonishments that Heaven does not make mistakes, well I guess that would have to include me.  I mean how easy is it for me to look at my mother and realize she is great and capable of great things, yet, she cannot see it at all?  Alright, so 2011 is going to be the year of Stability & Confidence.  Be patient with it.  Confidence comes from failing outright at something thousands of times until you finally figure it out.  One thing I do have is tenacity.  I need to rely on that more.  Stp.

2011. The Year of Stability.

Okay so I plan to take some initiative.  Inspiration comes to those who search for it.  Perhaps I try to hard, so low key is the key.  My plan is to, perhaps every 3 to 5 days, take a passage from The Analects and introspect on it.  Check my shortcoming.  Check my virtue.  Check my inspiration.  Check.

First Volume.  Concerning Fundamental Principles.

Kong Zi said, "Is it not indeed a pleasure to acquire knowledge and constantly to exercise oneself therein?  And is it not delightful to have men of kindred spirit come to one from afar?  But is not he a true philosopher who, though he be unrecognized of men, cherishes no resentment?

The first thing that strikes me is why is this teaching first.  The very problem I encounter on a daily basis is forgetting what I just learned (stupid Christian karma).  What good is all my gong-fu if I can't keep my mind straight. 

To work on this issue, I will try to keep my goals and my mind simpler.  Shooting for the stars its easy to miss.  Aiming for steady progress (e.g. my Long Cycle practice) I can add to my understanding and my virtue.

Secondly. My True Self warns me right off the bat not to get caught up in false Confucianism.  Very easy to get frustrated with my 'lack of progress' and turn back to dharma.  Easy to memorize the entire Analects to impress EC, but in no way does that make me a true cultivator.  Reminder: everything of value takes place inside me.  Inspiration is great.  But I better filter it USING THE PROPER EQUATION!

Thirdly.  I have to say I'm pretty lonely Lonely for cultivators of my mindset.  Jordan helps, so does Alain.  Its important for me to remember to treasure these brotherly relationships and behave accordingly.  Position, position, position.  Another warning to myself against becoming competitive.  REMEMBER THE LONG CYCLE TRAINING!  My only goal is to be better than I was yesterday.  And for me and my greedy heart, that can often mean just being stable.  Reliable.  This can come in many many forms.  Just sitting often to REALLY take a clear look is gonna add to my integrity.  Positives! GS is the example.  If I add one rep a day, by the end of the year I have come very far.

Lastly.  I worry so much about what other people think of me.  How I am perceived and judged.  Especially EC, as he represents power in my mind.  THIS IS ALL BULLSHIT.  I have to tune into my True Self alot more.  Find myself.  Trust myself.  This doesn't mean not be humble.  It is QUIET CONFIDENCE.  Be open to criticism and correction and learning, just always filter it appropriately.   This is between me and my conscience.  What seems to be on the outside is just that, THE OUTSIDE.  Stop here.