Still loving the One Arm Long Cycle. Acutally I think there is something very special about the exercise. Perfect blend of Strength and Endurance. I like two bell work too... but it is a more aggressive energy, and I am trying to reduce my aggression. Many people will argue with me, but if its one thing I am learning, competing with other others doesn't really get you anywhere in the Long Run. I mean, ok, you did 175 Jerks and I can only do 60. Does that make you a better person than me? Maybe haha. But you are still gonna get old. You are still gonna die. Me too. I mean probably anyway. I don't really know what Heaven has in store for me. Perhaps they Do want me to live to be 180. In that case I better be moderate in all things. Especially my qi and my temper. Its just no good for me to explode anymore. I'm really hurting myself and others. This is not what I want.
KB told me to find out where I went wrong. Where I started to really get locked into all the anger and bitterness that has dominated my Life since I was a child. The answer was easier than I thought. The move to Texas when I was 6. Yes I know I have visited this issue before and I will probably have to revisit it again, but I really wanna change direction at this stage in my life. I wanna see further into who I really am. Into HOW I CAN BE HAPPY. And I dn't mean greedy happy. I mean grateful happy. Family Family Family Family Family. Every time in my life that I have been really happy, it is when I felt like part of a family. I can no longer blame my mother for breaking up our family. She did. It's over. I forgive her. (at least I want to forgive her). I know she feels guilty about it. I know she would do it differently if she had to do over again. Mee Too. But I am done living with all this shame and regret and pain. FUCK THAT. If Heaven wants that from me then fuck them too. I don't want it. It doesn't help me be ME anyway. Which is probably what they want. Hope so, because that is what I am working toward.
Alright so as I type this my Amanda is curled up napping comfortably on her bed. She is really adorable sometimes when she sleeps. She doesn't pretend to be anything other than what she is. I KNOW SHE LOVES ME NOW :-) Her mind is somewhere else. Faery Dream World. Maybe that existence is more real for her than this one is. Fine. She is my family now. Acutally, ALL BEINGS ARE MY FAMILY NOW. (why am I yelling so much)I have a real opportunity. Not just to 'Be a Chef'. Sure great. But to really open up my heart and make room for all beings. WHY DO I DOUBT IT??? Heaven doesn't make mistakes, right? TG can become a place of love and caring and it starts with my position. So what that I don't get paid. So what that the menu isn't really 'In Line" with the Nature yet. I CAN MAKE THAT HAPPEN. I CAN LAY THE FOUNDATION. But it is not easy. I have to give myself credit. It's not very fucking easy. But I guess being a Mom is not easy either. Especially in this society. There is so much temptation of freedom and glamor and riches. I can't blame my own mother for wanting that stuff. So... Amanda is my family now. I will fill our life with the love and patience and tolerance that I did not grow up with.
And what might you ask does any of this have to do with Kettlebell Sport. Not Sure Hahaha. No honestly, what I discovered this week is that you have to follow your own goals. Know your own mission. Yes I can learn from other people, everyone has Something that they can teach me. But I don't need to be WKC Rank I or to go to Russia to improve my numbers. The question is WHY AM I DOING IT ANYWAY. Don't I have a good reason??? Do I need to compete or prove something to anyone else. Fuck that. What a way to waste my life. One Arm Long Cycle MAKES ME HAPPY AND FULFILLS MY GOALS. Jealousy and Competition can take a hike. I have MY LIFE TO LIVE :) :) :) :) :) Thank you Heavenly Mother for My Life.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Organization & The Mind
Ok. What I've learned so far. ITS HARD haha. No really... ITS HARD. That being said, I now believe anything is possible. Have to have the faith and determination. This blog is supposed to be a place that I can organize and see my thoughts clearly. No judgments, just clarity. I'm trying to let things come out gently... force doesn't work. More on that later.
Every solution has a problem. Wait, I've mixed that up, a frequent problem I encounter. My kitchen, and my life need to be about proper order. What comes first and what comes next. Rice first. Then Hot Water. At least if I have rice, people won't starve. They might not be happy, but at least they won't starve.
K. has again given me some AMAZING advice. It changed my life for the better. "Don't let anyone rush me". This has been helpful on several fronts.
The first area is my center. If I don't allow anything to push or pull me from the outside, and that may or may not include in order of annoyingness, Skittish Waiters, Overly Talkative Dominican Kitchen Banditos, Greeeeeedy Customers, Impatient Customers, Greedy & Impatient Customers, MY OWN EGO (notice how my ego tried to just slip that there in the middle - this includes, mostly, my desire to be recognized as good or talented or be praised), the amount of work that needs to be done, or some other imagined or real energy outside me, THINGS COME OUT SOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER. Real. True. Happy.
Since I have been working on this I have connected with my True Energy much more directly and easily, and that IS what this is all about right? My heart! My determination! and.. yes, My Love of Cooking. From the inside out is a profound revelation. However, it is not a space that is easy to hold. Even in the course of cooking one dish I quickly disintegrate back into fire and greed. Oh well, I will keep at it. That was the other lesson, its about the Journey.
He advised I watch the movie Peaceful Warrior. I'm still digesting. Its too soon to introspect deeply on it. But I know that there are layers. One layer at a time until only the truth is left. Not pleasing anyone, not looking for attention. Just calm and natural.
Natural in fact is the other gift of not letting anything rush me. The restaurant and all its bullshit fades away. Stupid poorly arranged oversized mish mash of bullshit disappears and it becomes like a home. You've come into my home and I am gonna feed you. Like your mom. But not your mom because I'm a guy. But as close as your gonna get (hope that's not my ego again but it probably is)
I'm really not nearly done learning but I just wanted to take stock. I guess that is the beginning of humility... at least I hope it is. No one is reading this blog anyway so what do I care. Fuck it who am I trying to please. At the end of the day it is me. Not my girlfriend, not my mom, not LM herself. Just me. I have to live with me so it is my responsibility to organize as best I can. Maybe I can't fix the problem right now, but that is just my ego anyway. Calm down. A solution will present itself.
Working backward seems to help. I have taken this approach when cooking my dishes in the past. Envisioning the finished product and deconstructing it in my mind step by step. This way I know the order and the timing. The organization of the kitchen is the same. Whats the problem? Whats the blockage? What do I want to accomplish? What can I do to make that work? K. says be creative and flexible. Think outside the box. This has never been easy for me because I am always worked up. Always trying to force a solution. I know this is a boring post, but I'm at a slightly boring redundant point in my life. I'm gonna break through eventually. Everything I do is gonna be inspired :) from my heart. FROM MY SOUL :D this is the way I wanna live. THE WAY I DESERVE TO LIVE.
I haven't quite figured it out yet, but when I stopped (or started to stop) letting the outside world rush me, K told me, upon my grateful thanking, that I have to really respect myself. I am a human being... sure I have bad karma, but that's the past. Today, THIS MOMENT, is the present. A gift...even when things are hard this is the only moment I am gonna get, so I might as well enjoy it. Further, he stated that though yes I had karma, what was SO much more important was what I did with THIS MOMENT. That there was something I could do RIGHT NOW to be close to my nature. I guess its just my ego hanging onto all that karma. What more can I do then whatever I can do right now?? its pretty silly to worry about the past. Here I am. (yes! also difficult to not worry about where I am going. SURRENDER!)
PS A few More Notes:
Do I hold the knife like a weapon or a tool.
Do I cook with my heart or ego
Every solution has a problem. Wait, I've mixed that up, a frequent problem I encounter. My kitchen, and my life need to be about proper order. What comes first and what comes next. Rice first. Then Hot Water. At least if I have rice, people won't starve. They might not be happy, but at least they won't starve.
K. has again given me some AMAZING advice. It changed my life for the better. "Don't let anyone rush me". This has been helpful on several fronts.
The first area is my center. If I don't allow anything to push or pull me from the outside, and that may or may not include in order of annoyingness, Skittish Waiters, Overly Talkative Dominican Kitchen Banditos, Greeeeeedy Customers, Impatient Customers, Greedy & Impatient Customers, MY OWN EGO (notice how my ego tried to just slip that there in the middle - this includes, mostly, my desire to be recognized as good or talented or be praised), the amount of work that needs to be done, or some other imagined or real energy outside me, THINGS COME OUT SOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER. Real. True. Happy.
Since I have been working on this I have connected with my True Energy much more directly and easily, and that IS what this is all about right? My heart! My determination! and.. yes, My Love of Cooking. From the inside out is a profound revelation. However, it is not a space that is easy to hold. Even in the course of cooking one dish I quickly disintegrate back into fire and greed. Oh well, I will keep at it. That was the other lesson, its about the Journey.
He advised I watch the movie Peaceful Warrior. I'm still digesting. Its too soon to introspect deeply on it. But I know that there are layers. One layer at a time until only the truth is left. Not pleasing anyone, not looking for attention. Just calm and natural.
Natural in fact is the other gift of not letting anything rush me. The restaurant and all its bullshit fades away. Stupid poorly arranged oversized mish mash of bullshit disappears and it becomes like a home. You've come into my home and I am gonna feed you. Like your mom. But not your mom because I'm a guy. But as close as your gonna get (hope that's not my ego again but it probably is)
I'm really not nearly done learning but I just wanted to take stock. I guess that is the beginning of humility... at least I hope it is. No one is reading this blog anyway so what do I care. Fuck it who am I trying to please. At the end of the day it is me. Not my girlfriend, not my mom, not LM herself. Just me. I have to live with me so it is my responsibility to organize as best I can. Maybe I can't fix the problem right now, but that is just my ego anyway. Calm down. A solution will present itself.
Working backward seems to help. I have taken this approach when cooking my dishes in the past. Envisioning the finished product and deconstructing it in my mind step by step. This way I know the order and the timing. The organization of the kitchen is the same. Whats the problem? Whats the blockage? What do I want to accomplish? What can I do to make that work? K. says be creative and flexible. Think outside the box. This has never been easy for me because I am always worked up. Always trying to force a solution. I know this is a boring post, but I'm at a slightly boring redundant point in my life. I'm gonna break through eventually. Everything I do is gonna be inspired :) from my heart. FROM MY SOUL :D this is the way I wanna live. THE WAY I DESERVE TO LIVE.
I haven't quite figured it out yet, but when I stopped (or started to stop) letting the outside world rush me, K told me, upon my grateful thanking, that I have to really respect myself. I am a human being... sure I have bad karma, but that's the past. Today, THIS MOMENT, is the present. A gift...even when things are hard this is the only moment I am gonna get, so I might as well enjoy it. Further, he stated that though yes I had karma, what was SO much more important was what I did with THIS MOMENT. That there was something I could do RIGHT NOW to be close to my nature. I guess its just my ego hanging onto all that karma. What more can I do then whatever I can do right now?? its pretty silly to worry about the past. Here I am. (yes! also difficult to not worry about where I am going. SURRENDER!)
PS A few More Notes:
Do I hold the knife like a weapon or a tool.
Do I cook with my heart or ego
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