Its not a matter of how hard I try, its whether or not I get the point. I'm gonna try to make these introspections a bit more regular. At least I can treat it like a journal to some degree. Perhaps writing down my thoughts and feelings will help me get to that all important point.
Currently I seem to be struggling with EC and the idea of his discouragement. It is overpowering at times. How am I supposed to pick myself out of the gutter when I feel like throwing myself off a bridge whenever he talks to me.
Introspection? Feeling? So small. Humble. Humble. Humble. Please.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Issues.
Things I need to work on:
removing my ego and arrogance.
keeping calm and low key
doing the proper thing at the proper time. you can throw the iron ball around. you can have sex. you can get married... but my thinking and approach need to adjust
not thinking too much.
remember this feeling of getting the job. be humble. let other people set the tone. just be a busy little bee. i can't lead until i know how to follow..... DOLORES!!!
BE COOL!!!!
keep it simple and peaceful... I will BE VERY HAPPY
removing my ego and arrogance.
keeping calm and low key
doing the proper thing at the proper time. you can throw the iron ball around. you can have sex. you can get married... but my thinking and approach need to adjust
not thinking too much.
remember this feeling of getting the job. be humble. let other people set the tone. just be a busy little bee. i can't lead until i know how to follow..... DOLORES!!!
BE COOL!!!!
keep it simple and peaceful... I will BE VERY HAPPY
Monday, August 16, 2010
The One Arm Long Cycle and Finding My True Self.
Still loving the One Arm Long Cycle. Acutally I think there is something very special about the exercise. Perfect blend of Strength and Endurance. I like two bell work too... but it is a more aggressive energy, and I am trying to reduce my aggression. Many people will argue with me, but if its one thing I am learning, competing with other others doesn't really get you anywhere in the Long Run. I mean, ok, you did 175 Jerks and I can only do 60. Does that make you a better person than me? Maybe haha. But you are still gonna get old. You are still gonna die. Me too. I mean probably anyway. I don't really know what Heaven has in store for me. Perhaps they Do want me to live to be 180. In that case I better be moderate in all things. Especially my qi and my temper. Its just no good for me to explode anymore. I'm really hurting myself and others. This is not what I want.
KB told me to find out where I went wrong. Where I started to really get locked into all the anger and bitterness that has dominated my Life since I was a child. The answer was easier than I thought. The move to Texas when I was 6. Yes I know I have visited this issue before and I will probably have to revisit it again, but I really wanna change direction at this stage in my life. I wanna see further into who I really am. Into HOW I CAN BE HAPPY. And I dn't mean greedy happy. I mean grateful happy. Family Family Family Family Family. Every time in my life that I have been really happy, it is when I felt like part of a family. I can no longer blame my mother for breaking up our family. She did. It's over. I forgive her. (at least I want to forgive her). I know she feels guilty about it. I know she would do it differently if she had to do over again. Mee Too. But I am done living with all this shame and regret and pain. FUCK THAT. If Heaven wants that from me then fuck them too. I don't want it. It doesn't help me be ME anyway. Which is probably what they want. Hope so, because that is what I am working toward.
Alright so as I type this my Amanda is curled up napping comfortably on her bed. She is really adorable sometimes when she sleeps. She doesn't pretend to be anything other than what she is. I KNOW SHE LOVES ME NOW :-) Her mind is somewhere else. Faery Dream World. Maybe that existence is more real for her than this one is. Fine. She is my family now. Acutally, ALL BEINGS ARE MY FAMILY NOW. (why am I yelling so much)I have a real opportunity. Not just to 'Be a Chef'. Sure great. But to really open up my heart and make room for all beings. WHY DO I DOUBT IT??? Heaven doesn't make mistakes, right? TG can become a place of love and caring and it starts with my position. So what that I don't get paid. So what that the menu isn't really 'In Line" with the Nature yet. I CAN MAKE THAT HAPPEN. I CAN LAY THE FOUNDATION. But it is not easy. I have to give myself credit. It's not very fucking easy. But I guess being a Mom is not easy either. Especially in this society. There is so much temptation of freedom and glamor and riches. I can't blame my own mother for wanting that stuff. So... Amanda is my family now. I will fill our life with the love and patience and tolerance that I did not grow up with.
And what might you ask does any of this have to do with Kettlebell Sport. Not Sure Hahaha. No honestly, what I discovered this week is that you have to follow your own goals. Know your own mission. Yes I can learn from other people, everyone has Something that they can teach me. But I don't need to be WKC Rank I or to go to Russia to improve my numbers. The question is WHY AM I DOING IT ANYWAY. Don't I have a good reason??? Do I need to compete or prove something to anyone else. Fuck that. What a way to waste my life. One Arm Long Cycle MAKES ME HAPPY AND FULFILLS MY GOALS. Jealousy and Competition can take a hike. I have MY LIFE TO LIVE :) :) :) :) :) Thank you Heavenly Mother for My Life.
KB told me to find out where I went wrong. Where I started to really get locked into all the anger and bitterness that has dominated my Life since I was a child. The answer was easier than I thought. The move to Texas when I was 6. Yes I know I have visited this issue before and I will probably have to revisit it again, but I really wanna change direction at this stage in my life. I wanna see further into who I really am. Into HOW I CAN BE HAPPY. And I dn't mean greedy happy. I mean grateful happy. Family Family Family Family Family. Every time in my life that I have been really happy, it is when I felt like part of a family. I can no longer blame my mother for breaking up our family. She did. It's over. I forgive her. (at least I want to forgive her). I know she feels guilty about it. I know she would do it differently if she had to do over again. Mee Too. But I am done living with all this shame and regret and pain. FUCK THAT. If Heaven wants that from me then fuck them too. I don't want it. It doesn't help me be ME anyway. Which is probably what they want. Hope so, because that is what I am working toward.
Alright so as I type this my Amanda is curled up napping comfortably on her bed. She is really adorable sometimes when she sleeps. She doesn't pretend to be anything other than what she is. I KNOW SHE LOVES ME NOW :-) Her mind is somewhere else. Faery Dream World. Maybe that existence is more real for her than this one is. Fine. She is my family now. Acutally, ALL BEINGS ARE MY FAMILY NOW. (why am I yelling so much)I have a real opportunity. Not just to 'Be a Chef'. Sure great. But to really open up my heart and make room for all beings. WHY DO I DOUBT IT??? Heaven doesn't make mistakes, right? TG can become a place of love and caring and it starts with my position. So what that I don't get paid. So what that the menu isn't really 'In Line" with the Nature yet. I CAN MAKE THAT HAPPEN. I CAN LAY THE FOUNDATION. But it is not easy. I have to give myself credit. It's not very fucking easy. But I guess being a Mom is not easy either. Especially in this society. There is so much temptation of freedom and glamor and riches. I can't blame my own mother for wanting that stuff. So... Amanda is my family now. I will fill our life with the love and patience and tolerance that I did not grow up with.
And what might you ask does any of this have to do with Kettlebell Sport. Not Sure Hahaha. No honestly, what I discovered this week is that you have to follow your own goals. Know your own mission. Yes I can learn from other people, everyone has Something that they can teach me. But I don't need to be WKC Rank I or to go to Russia to improve my numbers. The question is WHY AM I DOING IT ANYWAY. Don't I have a good reason??? Do I need to compete or prove something to anyone else. Fuck that. What a way to waste my life. One Arm Long Cycle MAKES ME HAPPY AND FULFILLS MY GOALS. Jealousy and Competition can take a hike. I have MY LIFE TO LIVE :) :) :) :) :) Thank you Heavenly Mother for My Life.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Organization & The Mind
Ok. What I've learned so far. ITS HARD haha. No really... ITS HARD. That being said, I now believe anything is possible. Have to have the faith and determination. This blog is supposed to be a place that I can organize and see my thoughts clearly. No judgments, just clarity. I'm trying to let things come out gently... force doesn't work. More on that later.
Every solution has a problem. Wait, I've mixed that up, a frequent problem I encounter. My kitchen, and my life need to be about proper order. What comes first and what comes next. Rice first. Then Hot Water. At least if I have rice, people won't starve. They might not be happy, but at least they won't starve.
K. has again given me some AMAZING advice. It changed my life for the better. "Don't let anyone rush me". This has been helpful on several fronts.
The first area is my center. If I don't allow anything to push or pull me from the outside, and that may or may not include in order of annoyingness, Skittish Waiters, Overly Talkative Dominican Kitchen Banditos, Greeeeeedy Customers, Impatient Customers, Greedy & Impatient Customers, MY OWN EGO (notice how my ego tried to just slip that there in the middle - this includes, mostly, my desire to be recognized as good or talented or be praised), the amount of work that needs to be done, or some other imagined or real energy outside me, THINGS COME OUT SOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER. Real. True. Happy.
Since I have been working on this I have connected with my True Energy much more directly and easily, and that IS what this is all about right? My heart! My determination! and.. yes, My Love of Cooking. From the inside out is a profound revelation. However, it is not a space that is easy to hold. Even in the course of cooking one dish I quickly disintegrate back into fire and greed. Oh well, I will keep at it. That was the other lesson, its about the Journey.
He advised I watch the movie Peaceful Warrior. I'm still digesting. Its too soon to introspect deeply on it. But I know that there are layers. One layer at a time until only the truth is left. Not pleasing anyone, not looking for attention. Just calm and natural.
Natural in fact is the other gift of not letting anything rush me. The restaurant and all its bullshit fades away. Stupid poorly arranged oversized mish mash of bullshit disappears and it becomes like a home. You've come into my home and I am gonna feed you. Like your mom. But not your mom because I'm a guy. But as close as your gonna get (hope that's not my ego again but it probably is)
I'm really not nearly done learning but I just wanted to take stock. I guess that is the beginning of humility... at least I hope it is. No one is reading this blog anyway so what do I care. Fuck it who am I trying to please. At the end of the day it is me. Not my girlfriend, not my mom, not LM herself. Just me. I have to live with me so it is my responsibility to organize as best I can. Maybe I can't fix the problem right now, but that is just my ego anyway. Calm down. A solution will present itself.
Working backward seems to help. I have taken this approach when cooking my dishes in the past. Envisioning the finished product and deconstructing it in my mind step by step. This way I know the order and the timing. The organization of the kitchen is the same. Whats the problem? Whats the blockage? What do I want to accomplish? What can I do to make that work? K. says be creative and flexible. Think outside the box. This has never been easy for me because I am always worked up. Always trying to force a solution. I know this is a boring post, but I'm at a slightly boring redundant point in my life. I'm gonna break through eventually. Everything I do is gonna be inspired :) from my heart. FROM MY SOUL :D this is the way I wanna live. THE WAY I DESERVE TO LIVE.
I haven't quite figured it out yet, but when I stopped (or started to stop) letting the outside world rush me, K told me, upon my grateful thanking, that I have to really respect myself. I am a human being... sure I have bad karma, but that's the past. Today, THIS MOMENT, is the present. A gift...even when things are hard this is the only moment I am gonna get, so I might as well enjoy it. Further, he stated that though yes I had karma, what was SO much more important was what I did with THIS MOMENT. That there was something I could do RIGHT NOW to be close to my nature. I guess its just my ego hanging onto all that karma. What more can I do then whatever I can do right now?? its pretty silly to worry about the past. Here I am. (yes! also difficult to not worry about where I am going. SURRENDER!)
PS A few More Notes:
Do I hold the knife like a weapon or a tool.
Do I cook with my heart or ego
Every solution has a problem. Wait, I've mixed that up, a frequent problem I encounter. My kitchen, and my life need to be about proper order. What comes first and what comes next. Rice first. Then Hot Water. At least if I have rice, people won't starve. They might not be happy, but at least they won't starve.
K. has again given me some AMAZING advice. It changed my life for the better. "Don't let anyone rush me". This has been helpful on several fronts.
The first area is my center. If I don't allow anything to push or pull me from the outside, and that may or may not include in order of annoyingness, Skittish Waiters, Overly Talkative Dominican Kitchen Banditos, Greeeeeedy Customers, Impatient Customers, Greedy & Impatient Customers, MY OWN EGO (notice how my ego tried to just slip that there in the middle - this includes, mostly, my desire to be recognized as good or talented or be praised), the amount of work that needs to be done, or some other imagined or real energy outside me, THINGS COME OUT SOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER. Real. True. Happy.
Since I have been working on this I have connected with my True Energy much more directly and easily, and that IS what this is all about right? My heart! My determination! and.. yes, My Love of Cooking. From the inside out is a profound revelation. However, it is not a space that is easy to hold. Even in the course of cooking one dish I quickly disintegrate back into fire and greed. Oh well, I will keep at it. That was the other lesson, its about the Journey.
He advised I watch the movie Peaceful Warrior. I'm still digesting. Its too soon to introspect deeply on it. But I know that there are layers. One layer at a time until only the truth is left. Not pleasing anyone, not looking for attention. Just calm and natural.
Natural in fact is the other gift of not letting anything rush me. The restaurant and all its bullshit fades away. Stupid poorly arranged oversized mish mash of bullshit disappears and it becomes like a home. You've come into my home and I am gonna feed you. Like your mom. But not your mom because I'm a guy. But as close as your gonna get (hope that's not my ego again but it probably is)
I'm really not nearly done learning but I just wanted to take stock. I guess that is the beginning of humility... at least I hope it is. No one is reading this blog anyway so what do I care. Fuck it who am I trying to please. At the end of the day it is me. Not my girlfriend, not my mom, not LM herself. Just me. I have to live with me so it is my responsibility to organize as best I can. Maybe I can't fix the problem right now, but that is just my ego anyway. Calm down. A solution will present itself.
Working backward seems to help. I have taken this approach when cooking my dishes in the past. Envisioning the finished product and deconstructing it in my mind step by step. This way I know the order and the timing. The organization of the kitchen is the same. Whats the problem? Whats the blockage? What do I want to accomplish? What can I do to make that work? K. says be creative and flexible. Think outside the box. This has never been easy for me because I am always worked up. Always trying to force a solution. I know this is a boring post, but I'm at a slightly boring redundant point in my life. I'm gonna break through eventually. Everything I do is gonna be inspired :) from my heart. FROM MY SOUL :D this is the way I wanna live. THE WAY I DESERVE TO LIVE.
I haven't quite figured it out yet, but when I stopped (or started to stop) letting the outside world rush me, K told me, upon my grateful thanking, that I have to really respect myself. I am a human being... sure I have bad karma, but that's the past. Today, THIS MOMENT, is the present. A gift...even when things are hard this is the only moment I am gonna get, so I might as well enjoy it. Further, he stated that though yes I had karma, what was SO much more important was what I did with THIS MOMENT. That there was something I could do RIGHT NOW to be close to my nature. I guess its just my ego hanging onto all that karma. What more can I do then whatever I can do right now?? its pretty silly to worry about the past. Here I am. (yes! also difficult to not worry about where I am going. SURRENDER!)
PS A few More Notes:
Do I hold the knife like a weapon or a tool.
Do I cook with my heart or ego
Friday, June 4, 2010
Exercise & Power.
Recently, I hurt my back pretty badly. I mean, not slipped disc badly (I hope), but bad enough to miss a day's worth of work and need my girlfriend to help me roll over. Sucks. But deeper inside the problem I have to look. My main point in being on this earth (to be overly dramatic) is to understand. Understand myself. Understand the Universe. Fine. Frustrating but fine.
All points of instruction are directing me to take more responsibility. In my heart I would rather be a kid again. Four years old and living with my mother. This was the easy time, the safe time. She would fix me dinner and I would play all day. I was calm and peaceful, not a care in the world. Of course this is selfish and greedy haha, but I miss those days. Being a 'responsible man' may be very rewarding to the soul, but nothing beats being a young child.
Anyway, back to my injury, my friends tell me that this is related to the western concept (false) of strength and competition. I agree 100%. I am a super competitive guy. Always have been. (long long pause for back spasms). Well I have to break it down. One thing at a time this is the only way. The Nails. It was the Nails. It has too much killing qi inside it. This is not the proper way. Kettlebells yes. Nailbending no. The fighting arts are especially attractive to me. I LOVE being a bad ass. I love the idea of being able to defeat others. Let's face it... in my heart I just love POWER. I mean what is more satisfying than being more powerful than another man?? (My heart answers this question naturally... of course being able to HELP another man. That is way more satisfying. To the soul rather than the ego. My ego is just too out of control... even with all these humbling experiences)
I mean, what was my original goal when I set foot in a gym three years ago... honestly... to be strong to survive the apocalypse. To be able to keep going and to carry others. So.... my original intention was like 80% benevolent. Thats good! I'm proud of that. Of course my karma and all my background is gonna come out. Time to sort of the good and the bad because somewhere along the line I picked up (or re-exposed) all of the competitive and fighting aspects of training. AND this doesn't just apply to physical training... I have been just as competitive in my Tao 'cultivation'. Really now I see it is so much false cultivation. I always wanted to be better than Scott or Lynn or Elliott. I wanted to be stronger spiritually then they. Its difficult to not be perfect. I really really really wanna be. Guess that is selfish also. I have to accept myself flaws and all.
The more I think of this whole nail bending thing (and I am gonna let myself bend the rest of the stock that I have) I see two major problems. Actually one inside of the other. The overarching issue is Christianity. Really. All the guys that do this are evangelical Christian. Crusaders. Christian Crusaders. The people with more killing qi than any other army in history. The basically tried (and mostly succeeded - unfortunately I feel proud of this :( ) to take over the world. ARE THESE REALLY THE PEOPLE I WANT TO BE EMULATING?????? No of course not. But neither do I want to go back to being a fat weakling. I see now that most of this excessive strength is simply to show other people how much stronger than them you are. Not the most worthwhile endeavor. Truly a waste of time. The competition is just soooooooo deep in me.
The second aspect of this is the ACTUAL NAILS IN THE CROSS!!!! And vampires of course. Nail in the coffin, that sort of thing. Ok Ok Ok. So this probably wasn't the best thought out idea I've had. I mean, I got into kettlebells because I liked the endurance-strength aspect of it, without the focus on body size (Greek) or image (Roman). Ok Ok Ok. So I just need to get back to basics... why do I train. Health, fitness, strength, body image (my girlfriend likes that I'm strong and fit, but I don't think she cares if I look like Hercules).
I guess if I trace it back even farther, I can say that the extraction of metal from the earth has a big problem. Pretty much from the beginning it was used for killing. Making swords and making knives. Does man really need these things. When I hold the big knife in the kitchen, part of me can really feel the killing in my mind. I have no overt intention to use it for fighting. But nonetheless it is there. The wok too. Truly I do not like the wok. It is all Iron & Fire. Two things that I love in martial arts, but now they make me uncomfortable. It is so hot. No wonder DL wants me to cool these things down.
I guess if I am gonna work on this peaceful aspect, the Iron Forge of the Kitchen is the best place to do it. It is a serious serious gate for me. This is a real chance to change my direction. The question again arises, in five years, what do I see myself as? Who am I becoming? When I am 40, what type of man will I be? A husband? A father? What will I pass on to my own son? To the generations of Americans that come after me? Peaceful, yes. Strong, ok. Fighting and competing no way. If I honestly envision a world where we all work together for harmony and shared benefit, than I have to learn to be humble and righteous at the same time. I have to accept that I wil NEVER EVER be as strong as Andrew Durniat. I won't. Its impossible (my heart has a really really really hard time with this) Perhaps he is not as strong as me in many ways. Perhaps I need to accept that being a first rate version of Mike Sharkey, is WAY better than being a second rate version of Andrew Durniat. Why do I want to conquer him? Why do I want to prove that I can fight him? So, so stupid. THIS IS MY INSECURITY!!!! AM I LISTENING??????? INSECURITY!!!!!! I guess I am lucky to have so many people helping me to correct myself. Its not easy to take all this criticism and face my problems.
This is supposed to be a new era of peace. Perhaps I will continue to train for the adventure that awaits me, but I will no longer train to be 'stronger' or 'more powerful' than others. I would rather be their good brother than their master. I am tired of comparing and competing... I don't want to waste my life. Ok, how about this??? Not warrior strong. Farmer Strong. Humble. Earthy. Sounds Good!!!
Mike.
All points of instruction are directing me to take more responsibility. In my heart I would rather be a kid again. Four years old and living with my mother. This was the easy time, the safe time. She would fix me dinner and I would play all day. I was calm and peaceful, not a care in the world. Of course this is selfish and greedy haha, but I miss those days. Being a 'responsible man' may be very rewarding to the soul, but nothing beats being a young child.
Anyway, back to my injury, my friends tell me that this is related to the western concept (false) of strength and competition. I agree 100%. I am a super competitive guy. Always have been. (long long pause for back spasms). Well I have to break it down. One thing at a time this is the only way. The Nails. It was the Nails. It has too much killing qi inside it. This is not the proper way. Kettlebells yes. Nailbending no. The fighting arts are especially attractive to me. I LOVE being a bad ass. I love the idea of being able to defeat others. Let's face it... in my heart I just love POWER. I mean what is more satisfying than being more powerful than another man?? (My heart answers this question naturally... of course being able to HELP another man. That is way more satisfying. To the soul rather than the ego. My ego is just too out of control... even with all these humbling experiences)
I mean, what was my original goal when I set foot in a gym three years ago... honestly... to be strong to survive the apocalypse. To be able to keep going and to carry others. So.... my original intention was like 80% benevolent. Thats good! I'm proud of that. Of course my karma and all my background is gonna come out. Time to sort of the good and the bad because somewhere along the line I picked up (or re-exposed) all of the competitive and fighting aspects of training. AND this doesn't just apply to physical training... I have been just as competitive in my Tao 'cultivation'. Really now I see it is so much false cultivation. I always wanted to be better than Scott or Lynn or Elliott. I wanted to be stronger spiritually then they. Its difficult to not be perfect. I really really really wanna be. Guess that is selfish also. I have to accept myself flaws and all.
The more I think of this whole nail bending thing (and I am gonna let myself bend the rest of the stock that I have) I see two major problems. Actually one inside of the other. The overarching issue is Christianity. Really. All the guys that do this are evangelical Christian. Crusaders. Christian Crusaders. The people with more killing qi than any other army in history. The basically tried (and mostly succeeded - unfortunately I feel proud of this :( ) to take over the world. ARE THESE REALLY THE PEOPLE I WANT TO BE EMULATING?????? No of course not. But neither do I want to go back to being a fat weakling. I see now that most of this excessive strength is simply to show other people how much stronger than them you are. Not the most worthwhile endeavor. Truly a waste of time. The competition is just soooooooo deep in me.
The second aspect of this is the ACTUAL NAILS IN THE CROSS!!!! And vampires of course. Nail in the coffin, that sort of thing. Ok Ok Ok. So this probably wasn't the best thought out idea I've had. I mean, I got into kettlebells because I liked the endurance-strength aspect of it, without the focus on body size (Greek) or image (Roman). Ok Ok Ok. So I just need to get back to basics... why do I train. Health, fitness, strength, body image (my girlfriend likes that I'm strong and fit, but I don't think she cares if I look like Hercules).
I guess if I trace it back even farther, I can say that the extraction of metal from the earth has a big problem. Pretty much from the beginning it was used for killing. Making swords and making knives. Does man really need these things. When I hold the big knife in the kitchen, part of me can really feel the killing in my mind. I have no overt intention to use it for fighting. But nonetheless it is there. The wok too. Truly I do not like the wok. It is all Iron & Fire. Two things that I love in martial arts, but now they make me uncomfortable. It is so hot. No wonder DL wants me to cool these things down.
I guess if I am gonna work on this peaceful aspect, the Iron Forge of the Kitchen is the best place to do it. It is a serious serious gate for me. This is a real chance to change my direction. The question again arises, in five years, what do I see myself as? Who am I becoming? When I am 40, what type of man will I be? A husband? A father? What will I pass on to my own son? To the generations of Americans that come after me? Peaceful, yes. Strong, ok. Fighting and competing no way. If I honestly envision a world where we all work together for harmony and shared benefit, than I have to learn to be humble and righteous at the same time. I have to accept that I wil NEVER EVER be as strong as Andrew Durniat. I won't. Its impossible (my heart has a really really really hard time with this) Perhaps he is not as strong as me in many ways. Perhaps I need to accept that being a first rate version of Mike Sharkey, is WAY better than being a second rate version of Andrew Durniat. Why do I want to conquer him? Why do I want to prove that I can fight him? So, so stupid. THIS IS MY INSECURITY!!!! AM I LISTENING??????? INSECURITY!!!!!! I guess I am lucky to have so many people helping me to correct myself. Its not easy to take all this criticism and face my problems.
This is supposed to be a new era of peace. Perhaps I will continue to train for the adventure that awaits me, but I will no longer train to be 'stronger' or 'more powerful' than others. I would rather be their good brother than their master. I am tired of comparing and competing... I don't want to waste my life. Ok, how about this??? Not warrior strong. Farmer Strong. Humble. Earthy. Sounds Good!!!
Mike.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Chef.
Position. Position. Position. This is the foundation of Harmony, or so I am told by people who should know. This does seem accurate to me, as my first week in my new "job" has yielded many insights.
What I do know about position is that it really frees one up. My whole life I have spent worrying about the bigger picture and what other people were doing. This has created untold stress and fighting in my life. Fighting with myself over my shortcomings, fighting with others over the way I "knew" things should be done. Maybe I was right, maybe I was wrong. But the bigger problem was always me overstepping my place. Big Ego. Huge Ego. Well, I turn 35 soon and I would like to live the rest of my life with as much peace and happiness as I possibly can.
Standing in the kitchen with my slightly overbearing definitely superior boss is something of a test. For real. She is up in my shit non-stop. To be fair, the place is pretty small for so many big personalities, but still, step the fuck off. However, this is unlikely, so the question remains, what am I gonna do. How do I get through all these tests of fire and brimstone.
Well.... my good friends' advice was... become a good observer, cultivate myself, and stay calm. These three things are really key for me and I will address each in turn.
First, Be a Good Observer. What does that mean to me? I think, at this point at least, that being a good observer means not letting my mind fool me about other people's shortcomings. They have them. Sometimes I don't pay attention. I don't allow myself to see clearly. Perhaps I give people too much benefit of the doubt, but I think the real problem is Christianity. We hide our own shortcomings and sins from our eyes out of fear of retribution from the false god. What a load of bullshit. Really. What a terrible miserable life we lead. I have gotta correct this is the proper way. Damn this is a big tangled knot, because it also ties in with the way I torture myself, trying to conquer my shortcomings; to beat them into submission. In my experience this doesn't work... at the very least I have to respect myself as one of Heaven's sons. If they wanna beat me then they can do it. I am done flogging myself. I have seen too much hope and sincerity in my heart to hate myself anymore. This is definitely one thing I have learned from GS training. Patience and love is the key. Progress is made by working in harmony with the bells in the set. The more force I try to use to send the bells overhead, the more it becomes instantly harder.
Ok, so I guess this is gonna really be my chance to observe myself as well. DL (dragon lady as I will call her) is actually very very useful in this regards. She is not easily fooled and deep down I appreciate her pointing out the things I need to work on, even if she tests me by doing it in the most pretentious way possible. In fairness, she has gotten alot better about this. It can't be easy to deal with me and I respect her for trying and caring.
Two, Cultivate Myself. Well, this comes back to position. Do I think I can fix the whole situation? Really? Why? EGO EGO EGO. Leggo my EGO. Enough already. Fixing is up to Heaven, I guess my help is not really needed. (Chagrined I am though that I'm not the end all, beat all of the universe. What is my position? That is what I need to be constantly asking myself. I see my sincerity to be upright and responsible... now it is just a matter of finding the proper channel and path to focus my energy. Rather than get angry or fight back, I am gonna focus internally to...
Three, Stay Calm. I refused to be moved. I AM THE ROCK. Yell at me, curse me, challenge me, blame me, poke me, prod me, hurt me, compliment me. I have only one goal.... not to be moved. Confidence comes from within... I go now to find it.
Michael.
What I do know about position is that it really frees one up. My whole life I have spent worrying about the bigger picture and what other people were doing. This has created untold stress and fighting in my life. Fighting with myself over my shortcomings, fighting with others over the way I "knew" things should be done. Maybe I was right, maybe I was wrong. But the bigger problem was always me overstepping my place. Big Ego. Huge Ego. Well, I turn 35 soon and I would like to live the rest of my life with as much peace and happiness as I possibly can.
Standing in the kitchen with my slightly overbearing definitely superior boss is something of a test. For real. She is up in my shit non-stop. To be fair, the place is pretty small for so many big personalities, but still, step the fuck off. However, this is unlikely, so the question remains, what am I gonna do. How do I get through all these tests of fire and brimstone.
Well.... my good friends' advice was... become a good observer, cultivate myself, and stay calm. These three things are really key for me and I will address each in turn.
First, Be a Good Observer. What does that mean to me? I think, at this point at least, that being a good observer means not letting my mind fool me about other people's shortcomings. They have them. Sometimes I don't pay attention. I don't allow myself to see clearly. Perhaps I give people too much benefit of the doubt, but I think the real problem is Christianity. We hide our own shortcomings and sins from our eyes out of fear of retribution from the false god. What a load of bullshit. Really. What a terrible miserable life we lead. I have gotta correct this is the proper way. Damn this is a big tangled knot, because it also ties in with the way I torture myself, trying to conquer my shortcomings; to beat them into submission. In my experience this doesn't work... at the very least I have to respect myself as one of Heaven's sons. If they wanna beat me then they can do it. I am done flogging myself. I have seen too much hope and sincerity in my heart to hate myself anymore. This is definitely one thing I have learned from GS training. Patience and love is the key. Progress is made by working in harmony with the bells in the set. The more force I try to use to send the bells overhead, the more it becomes instantly harder.
Ok, so I guess this is gonna really be my chance to observe myself as well. DL (dragon lady as I will call her) is actually very very useful in this regards. She is not easily fooled and deep down I appreciate her pointing out the things I need to work on, even if she tests me by doing it in the most pretentious way possible. In fairness, she has gotten alot better about this. It can't be easy to deal with me and I respect her for trying and caring.
Two, Cultivate Myself. Well, this comes back to position. Do I think I can fix the whole situation? Really? Why? EGO EGO EGO. Leggo my EGO. Enough already. Fixing is up to Heaven, I guess my help is not really needed. (Chagrined I am though that I'm not the end all, beat all of the universe. What is my position? That is what I need to be constantly asking myself. I see my sincerity to be upright and responsible... now it is just a matter of finding the proper channel and path to focus my energy. Rather than get angry or fight back, I am gonna focus internally to...
Three, Stay Calm. I refused to be moved. I AM THE ROCK. Yell at me, curse me, challenge me, blame me, poke me, prod me, hurt me, compliment me. I have only one goal.... not to be moved. Confidence comes from within... I go now to find it.
Michael.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Blame & Others.
Some people make me really frustrated. Usually it is women. My mind is certainly sexist. I have found men to be more direct. This may go back to my Greek days, preferring the company of men. We will have an argument, get angry (not in that order), maybe fight a little (hopefully without too much fisticuffs) and that will be that. Women are a different story. They are subtle, sneaky. They fight with the yin principle. I should be more accustomed to dealing with this by now, but whatever.
Specifically, I am referring to one of my current 'bosses'. She is a dragon lady. However, she has also taught me soooooooo much about cultivation. I am unable to just quit and walk away. The restaurant was slow. She blamed me. She wasn't wrong. However....... my problem is that I fail to continue introspecting. There is always more to learn and I usually just stop with the emotion of being criticized.
My 'rock' may have been blocking the door, but I did not ask myself why. When she admonishes me I just take it personally. She has a good way of making that happen with her over-accusatory tone (ok so here is some post-blame emotion) Fuck her. That's my honest feeling. But I respect her too. A lot. She has a huge responsibility on her shoulders and I do respect that. In my heart I want to help her carry it.
So I see several problems. I will start with myself: I take things for granted. I do appreciate in the big sense, but I have to learn to carry that out in the miniature. On a daily basis in all the little things I do. Hold a humble heart to learn.
This means overcoming my little emotions (like tiredness in this instance) and have a bigger heart. Instead of blocking people when I'm especially worn out (I am) I have to welcome them even more. Perhaps this will give me the key to unlocking my benevolence. Have a bigger heart for my boss as well. She has difficulty working with others. For sure. It is why I am the only westerner to still be putting up with it. I can learn to be much more tolerant.
Don't get me wrong. I like a good drill-sergeant. I don't mind being yelled at (well a little) but she has a problem leading groups. Many strong minded individuals are like this. Alright, so I want to stop with the blame... I have this problem also. I saw it myself last week in a confrontation at my other job.
People who are slower than me or behind me in cultivation I judge very harshly and am more likely to exclude them in my heart than help them out or find a way to guide them. I am really an eliminator not a gatherer. Even if I do try to 'help' them it comes out as preaching or pandering. There is a more subtle way. Perhaps this is why I get so angry when she does it to me. Perhaps she is not really excluding me and it is only in my mind. I now consider that a possibility.
Arghhh! Frustration. All I can do now is go back tomorrow morning with a renewed attitude and determination. Perhaps she does have a problem working in groups, but I cannot allow that to hamper my own position. I have my own responsibility so, I will find a way to adapt and learn. Starting with not blaming others.
Specifically, I am referring to one of my current 'bosses'. She is a dragon lady. However, she has also taught me soooooooo much about cultivation. I am unable to just quit and walk away. The restaurant was slow. She blamed me. She wasn't wrong. However....... my problem is that I fail to continue introspecting. There is always more to learn and I usually just stop with the emotion of being criticized.
My 'rock' may have been blocking the door, but I did not ask myself why. When she admonishes me I just take it personally. She has a good way of making that happen with her over-accusatory tone (ok so here is some post-blame emotion) Fuck her. That's my honest feeling. But I respect her too. A lot. She has a huge responsibility on her shoulders and I do respect that. In my heart I want to help her carry it.
So I see several problems. I will start with myself: I take things for granted. I do appreciate in the big sense, but I have to learn to carry that out in the miniature. On a daily basis in all the little things I do. Hold a humble heart to learn.
This means overcoming my little emotions (like tiredness in this instance) and have a bigger heart. Instead of blocking people when I'm especially worn out (I am) I have to welcome them even more. Perhaps this will give me the key to unlocking my benevolence. Have a bigger heart for my boss as well. She has difficulty working with others. For sure. It is why I am the only westerner to still be putting up with it. I can learn to be much more tolerant.
Don't get me wrong. I like a good drill-sergeant. I don't mind being yelled at (well a little) but she has a problem leading groups. Many strong minded individuals are like this. Alright, so I want to stop with the blame... I have this problem also. I saw it myself last week in a confrontation at my other job.
People who are slower than me or behind me in cultivation I judge very harshly and am more likely to exclude them in my heart than help them out or find a way to guide them. I am really an eliminator not a gatherer. Even if I do try to 'help' them it comes out as preaching or pandering. There is a more subtle way. Perhaps this is why I get so angry when she does it to me. Perhaps she is not really excluding me and it is only in my mind. I now consider that a possibility.
Arghhh! Frustration. All I can do now is go back tomorrow morning with a renewed attitude and determination. Perhaps she does have a problem working in groups, but I cannot allow that to hamper my own position. I have my own responsibility so, I will find a way to adapt and learn. Starting with not blaming others.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Back in the Highlife.
It has been a while since I posted. I realize that I actually have very few followers. Actually, that is fine, as I am not really looking for anyone to 'follow' me.
I am currently working to establish myself in all domains as a solid virtuous person. I am training my physical body and mind with Girevoy Sport. See my other blog for more information about this. As for my soul, my daily experiences serve to educate me.
Again, I hope this blog will serve as an opportunity to share my experience and introspection on my path. We can share together and help each other. Feel free to comment or criticize. Only request is that there is mutual respect between all of us. This will help us go forward.
Though there have been many disasters recently, especially earthquakes. The global karma is heavy and it makes it difficult to have a high spirit. I am working on this aspect of cultivation. Maintaining a positive attitude despite the difficulties. The biggest difficulties are my own shortcomings.
I have had conflict at the restaurant in which I work with one of my fellow servers. Finding it to be a burden to deal with her shortcomings, I have ignored my own. Quite simply I am too judgmental. I need to have a bigger heart to include all beings, regardless of where they are in their path. Instead I am always trying to eliminate the difficult people. This is not the Benevolent way. For sure people have been very tolerant of my shortcomings.
I also need to grow up. In this regard I would like to go through proper channels. If I have conflict (natural) then I should go to the person in charge of the situation. Not (a) try to handle it on my own--- a recipe for anger and explosion or (b) try to pretend it doesn't bother me. IT DOES. BE HONEST.
Well, that is all for now. I will continue to post my introspection.
For now... main message... HAVE A BIGGER HEART.
I am currently working to establish myself in all domains as a solid virtuous person. I am training my physical body and mind with Girevoy Sport. See my other blog for more information about this. As for my soul, my daily experiences serve to educate me.
Again, I hope this blog will serve as an opportunity to share my experience and introspection on my path. We can share together and help each other. Feel free to comment or criticize. Only request is that there is mutual respect between all of us. This will help us go forward.
Though there have been many disasters recently, especially earthquakes. The global karma is heavy and it makes it difficult to have a high spirit. I am working on this aspect of cultivation. Maintaining a positive attitude despite the difficulties. The biggest difficulties are my own shortcomings.
I have had conflict at the restaurant in which I work with one of my fellow servers. Finding it to be a burden to deal with her shortcomings, I have ignored my own. Quite simply I am too judgmental. I need to have a bigger heart to include all beings, regardless of where they are in their path. Instead I am always trying to eliminate the difficult people. This is not the Benevolent way. For sure people have been very tolerant of my shortcomings.
I also need to grow up. In this regard I would like to go through proper channels. If I have conflict (natural) then I should go to the person in charge of the situation. Not (a) try to handle it on my own--- a recipe for anger and explosion or (b) try to pretend it doesn't bother me. IT DOES. BE HONEST.
Well, that is all for now. I will continue to post my introspection.
For now... main message... HAVE A BIGGER HEART.
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