Organization & The Mind

Ok.  What I've learned so far.  ITS HARD haha.  No really... ITS HARD.  That being said, I now believe anything is possible.  Have to have the faith and determination.  This blog is supposed to be a place that I can organize and see my thoughts clearly.  No judgments, just clarity.  I'm trying to let things come out gently... force doesn't work.  More on that later.

Every solution has a problem.  Wait, I've mixed that up, a frequent problem I encounter.  My kitchen, and my life need to be about proper order.  What comes first and what comes next.  Rice first.  Then Hot Water.  At least if I have rice, people won't starve.  They might not be happy, but at least they won't starve.

K. has again given me some AMAZING advice.  It changed my life for the better.  "Don't let anyone rush me".  This has been helpful on several fronts.

The first area is my center.  If I don't allow anything to push or pull me from the outside, and that may or may not include in order of annoyingness, Skittish Waiters, Overly Talkative Dominican Kitchen Banditos, Greeeeeedy Customers, Impatient Customers, Greedy & Impatient Customers, MY OWN EGO (notice how my ego tried to just slip that there in the middle - this includes, mostly, my desire to be recognized as good or talented or be praised), the amount of work that needs to be done, or some other imagined or real energy outside me, THINGS COME OUT SOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER.  Real.  True.  Happy.  

Since I have been working on this I have connected with my True Energy much more directly and easily, and that IS what this is all about right?  My heart!  My determination! and.. yes, My Love of Cooking.  From the inside out is a profound revelation.  However, it is not a space that is easy to hold.  Even in the course of cooking one dish I quickly disintegrate back into fire and greed.  Oh well, I will keep at it.  That was the other lesson, its about the Journey.

He advised I watch the movie Peaceful Warrior.  I'm still digesting.  Its too soon to introspect deeply on it.  But I know that there are layers.  One layer at a time until only the truth is left.  Not pleasing anyone, not looking for attention.  Just calm and natural.

Natural in fact is the other gift of not letting anything rush me.  The restaurant and all its bullshit fades away.  Stupid poorly arranged oversized mish mash of bullshit disappears and it becomes like a home.  You've come into my home and I am gonna feed you.  Like your mom.  But not your mom because I'm a guy.  But as close as your gonna get (hope that's not my ego again but it probably is)

I'm really not nearly done learning but I just wanted to take stock.  I guess that is the beginning of humility... at least I hope it is.  No one is reading this blog anyway so what do I care.  Fuck it who am I trying to please.  At the end of the day it is me.  Not my girlfriend, not my mom, not LM herself.  Just me.  I have to live with me so it is my responsibility to organize as best I can.  Maybe I can't fix the problem right now, but that is just my ego anyway.  Calm down.  A solution will present itself.

Working backward seems to help.  I have taken this approach when cooking my dishes in the past.  Envisioning the finished product and deconstructing it in my mind step by step.  This way I know the order and the timing.  The organization of the kitchen is the same.  Whats the problem?  Whats the blockage?  What do I want to accomplish?  What can I do to make that work?  K. says be creative and flexible.  Think outside the box.  This has never been easy for me because I am always worked up.  Always trying to force a solution.   I know this is a boring post, but I'm at a slightly boring redundant point in my life.  I'm gonna break through eventually.  Everything I do is gonna be inspired :)  from my heart.  FROM MY SOUL :D  this is the way I wanna live.  THE WAY I DESERVE TO LIVE.

I haven't quite figured it out yet, but when I stopped (or started to stop) letting the outside world rush me, K told me, upon my grateful thanking, that I have to really respect myself.  I am a human being... sure I have bad karma, but that's the past.  Today, THIS MOMENT, is the present.  A gift...even when things are hard this is the only moment I am gonna get, so I might as well enjoy it.  Further, he stated that though yes I had karma, what was SO much more important was what I did with THIS MOMENT.  That there was something I could do RIGHT NOW to be close to my nature.  I guess its just my ego hanging onto all that karma.  What more can I do then whatever I can do right now??  its pretty silly to worry about the past.  Here I am. (yes! also difficult to not worry about where I am going.  SURRENDER!)


PS A few More Notes:

Do I hold the knife like a weapon or a tool.
Do I cook with my heart or ego