Exercise & Power.

Recently, I hurt my back pretty badly.  I mean, not slipped disc badly (I hope), but bad enough to miss a day's worth of work and need my girlfriend to help me roll over.  Sucks.  But deeper inside the problem I have to look.  My main point in being on this earth (to be overly dramatic) is to understand.  Understand myself.  Understand the Universe.  Fine. Frustrating but fine.

All points of instruction are directing me to take more responsibility.  In my heart I would rather be a kid again.  Four years old and living with my mother.  This was the easy time, the safe time.  She would fix me dinner and I would play all day.  I was calm and peaceful, not a care in the world.  Of course this is selfish and greedy haha, but I miss those days.  Being a 'responsible man' may be very rewarding to the soul, but nothing beats being a young child.

Anyway, back to my injury, my friends tell me that this is related to the western concept (false) of strength and competition.  I agree 100%.  I am a super competitive guy.  Always have been. (long long pause for back spasms).  Well I have to break it down.  One thing at a time this is the only way.  The Nails.  It was the Nails.  It has too much killing qi inside it.  This is not the proper way.  Kettlebells yes.  Nailbending no.  The fighting arts are especially attractive to me.  I LOVE being a bad ass.  I love the idea of being able to defeat others.  Let's face it... in my heart I just love POWER.  I mean what is more satisfying than being more powerful than another man?? (My heart answers this question naturally... of course being able to HELP another man.  That is way more satisfying.  To the soul rather than the ego.  My ego is just too out of control... even with all these humbling experiences)

I mean, what was my original goal when I set foot in a gym three years ago... honestly... to be strong to survive the apocalypse.  To be able to keep going and to carry others.  So.... my original intention was like 80% benevolent.  Thats good!  I'm proud of that.  Of course my karma and all my background is gonna come out.  Time to sort of the good and the bad because somewhere along the line I picked up (or re-exposed) all of the competitive and fighting aspects of training.  AND this doesn't just apply to physical training... I have been just as competitive in my Tao 'cultivation'.  Really now I see it is so much false cultivation.  I always wanted to be better than Scott or Lynn or Elliott.  I wanted to be stronger spiritually then they.  Its difficult to not be perfect.  I really really really wanna be.  Guess that is selfish also.  I have to accept myself flaws and all.  

The more I think of this whole nail bending thing (and I am gonna let myself bend the rest of the stock that I have) I see two major problems.  Actually one inside of the other.  The overarching issue is Christianity.  Really.  All the guys that do this are evangelical Christian.  Crusaders.  Christian Crusaders.  The people with more killing qi than any other army in history.  The basically tried (and mostly succeeded - unfortunately I feel proud of this :( ) to take over the world.  ARE THESE REALLY THE PEOPLE I WANT TO BE EMULATING??????  No of course not.  But neither do I want to go back to being a fat weakling.  I see now that most of this excessive strength is simply to show other people how much stronger than them you are.  Not the most worthwhile endeavor.  Truly a waste of time. The competition is just soooooooo deep in me. 

The second aspect of this is the ACTUAL NAILS IN THE CROSS!!!!  And vampires of course.  Nail in the coffin, that sort of thing.  Ok Ok Ok.  So this probably wasn't the best thought out idea I've had.  I mean, I got into kettlebells because I liked the endurance-strength aspect of it, without the focus on body size (Greek) or image (Roman).  Ok Ok Ok.  So I just need to get back to basics... why do I train.  Health, fitness, strength, body image (my girlfriend likes that I'm strong and fit, but I don't think she cares if I look like Hercules).

I guess if I trace it back even farther, I can say that the extraction of metal from the earth has a big problem.  Pretty much from the beginning it was used for killing.  Making swords and making knives.  Does man really need these things.  When I hold the big knife in the kitchen,  part of me can really feel the killing in my mind.  I have no overt intention to use it for fighting.  But nonetheless it is there.  The wok too.  Truly I do not like the wok.  It is all Iron & Fire.  Two things that I love in martial arts, but now they make me uncomfortable.  It is so hot.  No wonder DL wants me to cool these things down.

I guess if I am gonna work on this peaceful aspect, the Iron Forge of the Kitchen is the best place to do it.  It is a serious serious gate for me.  This is a real chance to change my direction.  The question again arises, in five years, what do I see myself as?  Who am I becoming?  When I am 40, what type of man will I be?  A husband? A father?  What will I pass on to my own son?  To the generations of Americans that come after me? Peaceful, yes.  Strong, ok.  Fighting and competing no way.  If I honestly envision a world where we all work together for harmony and shared benefit,  than I have to learn to be humble and righteous at the same time.  I have to accept that I wil NEVER EVER be as strong as Andrew Durniat.  I won't.  Its impossible (my heart has a really really really hard time with this)  Perhaps he is not as strong as me in many ways.  Perhaps I need to accept that being a first rate version of Mike Sharkey, is WAY better than being a second rate version of Andrew Durniat.  Why do I want to conquer him?  Why do I want to prove that I can fight him? So, so stupid.  THIS IS MY INSECURITY!!!!  AM I LISTENING???????  INSECURITY!!!!!!  I guess I am lucky to have so many people helping me to correct myself.  Its not easy to take all this criticism and face my problems. 

This is supposed to be a new era of peace.  Perhaps I will continue to train for the adventure that awaits me, but I will no longer train to be 'stronger' or 'more powerful' than others.  I would rather be their good brother than their master.  I am tired of comparing and competing... I don't want to waste my life.  Ok, how about this??? Not warrior strong.  Farmer Strong.  Humble.  Earthy.  Sounds Good!!!

Mike.