Chapter 8.

Kong Zi said, "A scholar who is not grave will not inspire respect, and his learning will therefore lack stability.  His chief principles should be conscientiousness and sincerity.  Let him have no friends unequal to himself.  And, when in the wrong, let him not hesitate to amend."

I'm really struggling on my path right now.  The way of the righteous man and the way of the mortal man are really two opposing sides of a coin.  What this passage means to me can be summed up in one word:  sincerity.

This has to be my strong point and my goal in daily life.  I am what I am, but my heart can always be sincere and humble.  On my job interview today I could certainly have been more sincere.  Generally I am just too worried about what people are going to think of me.  Always trying to impress.  INSECURE = INSINCERE.

Even if they are my potential boss or my boss what does it matter? Fuck that.  I have to have simple confidence in my learning and my Tao connection.  To MY.  To my True Self.  All this negativity in my heart and brain is taking me absolutely nowhere.

Gentle now.  Gentle.  Every day is filled with small progress and small revelations.  The true sage keeps going when the times are tough.  The sincere man does not judge himself by anyones else's standards.  Why?  Because he has his own virtuous standards inside.  For me, I HAVE these standards.  I just don't trust them enough and get caught in these self depreciating self loathing self hating loops.  NOT VERY FUCKING USEFUL MICHAEL!  Well who is this introspection for anyway?  Its supposed to help me right?  Not spend my time begging pointlessly for forgiveness all the while continuing my deviant behavior.

Grave.  Not sure that is the right word, but serious in everything I do. EC always tells me I need to take things more seriously, but I think I mix that up with forcefully.  This introspection is rambling.  My mind is a tumble of jacks and dice all being banged around inside my head.  Lady luck is having her way with me today.

Let me say this, instead of thinking about having friends equal to myself, I need to learn to be my own friend.  To be equal in my living to that which is in my heart.  Natural harmony.  Honest with myself.  Dear Heaven, please let me see my mistakes clearly & have the courage to face them.  I don't want to waste my life. I am entitled to my faith.  Only I can give it away.

Stop Here.