Chapter 7.

I can always tell how big a problem I have related to the passage I want to introspect on relative to how much I don't want to write about it and how long I procrastinate about it.  This one is big.


Tzu Hsia said, "He who transfers his mind from feminine allurement to excelling in virtue, who in serving his parents is ready to do so to the utmost of his ability; who in the service of his prince is prepared to lay down his life, and who in intercourse with his friends is sincere in what he says, though others may speak of him as uneducated, I shall certainly call him erudite."

Three days I've been trying to make myself sit down to write this.  Three days nothing but my lust has been on my mind.  I can make no mistake, I am very lustful.  I'm not talking about how much I love Amanda and how I want to marry her and raise a family.  That's the natural part.  That's the Tao part.  This is why I am so fucked up and confused about sex.  We all are.

What I'm talking about is the non-stop, constant, ever-pervasive exhaustion that comes with the observation of the opposite sex in NYC.  Its pretty much 24-7.  On the train I choose cars based on the prettiest girls.  I am happy to rearrange my standing habits to get a better glimpse or even a touch with a particularly hot random stranger.

All these tests are natural, but what really has me down is the realization, upon reading this, that all of the other things mentioned I am pretty good at.  There is loyalty and righteousness in my heart.  There is a deep-seeded desire to be proper and filial.  And there is an intrinsic love of cultivation and understanding.  There is a benevolent heart for others.  My current foray into my own business, and finding out what food really means to me, i.e. healing and nurturing and true happiness, has shown me that.

However, all of these good good qualities are covered up by my incessant desire of sexual release and gratification.  Tonight was a real struggle about whether or not to call a certain hot commodity I know and fuck her every which way I can.    There is something raw and primal in sex that I am attracted to.  Its the power.  The manliness.  Amanda takes that away by requiring such gentle lovemaking.  There is a level of emasculation.  This is how the opposite sex uses their power.  In the yin way.  Or as Scott told me one time, they become more submissive and gain power that way.

EXHAUSTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I seriously wish I didn't have to bear this mortal burden.  I don't feel the bond or the love I have with Amanda is in any way stopping or hindering my spiritual cultivation.  I actually feel it furthers it.  But this constant obsession with pussy is wearing me down.  Its wearing all Americans down.  And its turning us into a nation of weaklings.  We have given up our dreams of virtue and solid lives to go down the path of self gratification.  I did it myself for 3 years at Angelica.  No hope.  No virtue.  No value in being a cultivated human being.  Image and trend were valued above all else.  What a fucking waste of time.  I don't know how I can solve this problem, but I actually think that the video I watched last night of Ram Das talking about addiction was very helpful.  First I have to be very gentle with myself.  Second I cannot create a yin/yang opposition with the problem.  The way to overcome is to see my name.  Just continue laying the foundation.  Continue bowing.  Continue nurturing the root.  Eventually the problem (weed) will have no soil to grow in.  But my righteousness will.  Thank You LM.  Do it for myself, for my own happiness, and for the happiness of all beings.
Stop.