Blame & Others.

Some people make me really frustrated.  Usually it is women.  My mind is certainly sexist. I have found men to be more direct.  This may go back to my Greek days, preferring the company of men.  We will have an argument, get angry (not in that order), maybe fight a little (hopefully without too much fisticuffs) and that will be that.  Women are a different story.  They are subtle, sneaky.  They fight with the yin principle.  I should be more accustomed to dealing with this by now, but whatever.

Specifically, I am referring to one of my current 'bosses'.  She is a dragon lady.  However, she has also taught me soooooooo much about cultivation.  I am unable to just quit and walk away.  The restaurant was slow.  She blamed me.  She wasn't wrong.  However....... my problem is that I fail to continue introspecting.  There is always more to learn and I usually just stop with the emotion of being criticized.

My 'rock' may have been blocking the door, but I did not ask myself why.  When she admonishes me I just take it personally.  She has a good way of making that happen with her over-accusatory tone (ok so here is some post-blame emotion)  Fuck her.  That's my honest feeling.  But I respect her too.  A lot.  She has a huge responsibility on her shoulders and I do respect that.  In my heart I want to help her carry it.

So I see several problems.  I will start with myself:  I take things for granted.  I do appreciate in the big sense, but I have to learn to carry that out in the miniature.   On a daily basis in all the little things I do.  Hold a humble heart to learn.

This means overcoming my little emotions (like tiredness in this instance) and have a bigger heart.  Instead of blocking people when I'm especially worn out (I am) I have to welcome them even more.  Perhaps this will give me the key to unlocking my benevolence. Have a bigger heart for my boss as well.  She has difficulty working with others.  For sure.  It is why I am the only westerner to still be putting up with it.  I can learn to be much more tolerant.

Don't get me wrong.  I like a good drill-sergeant.  I don't mind being yelled at (well a little) but she has a problem leading groups. Many strong minded individuals are like this.  Alright, so I want to stop with the blame... I have this problem also.  I saw it myself last week in a confrontation at my other job. 

People who are slower than me or behind me in cultivation I judge very harshly and am more likely to exclude them in my heart than help them out or find a way to guide them.  I am really an eliminator not a gatherer.  Even if I do try to 'help' them it comes out as preaching or pandering.  There is a more subtle way.  Perhaps this is why I get so angry when she does it to me.  Perhaps she is not really excluding me and it is only in my mind.  I now consider that a possibility. 

Arghhh!  Frustration.  All I can do now is go back tomorrow morning with a renewed attitude and determination.  Perhaps she does have a problem working in groups, but I cannot allow that to hamper my own position.  I have my own responsibility so, I will find a way to adapt and learn.  Starting with not blaming others.