Book 1. Chapter 2.

The Sage Yu said, "He who lives a filialy pious life, respecting his elders, and who is wanton to give offense to those above him is rare; and there has never been one respectful of his elders to has been fond of creating disorder.  The True Sage devotes himself to the fundamentals, for when those have een established right courses naturally evolve, and are not filial devotion and respet for elders the very foundations of an unselfish life?"


Interesting.  First off, I had no intention to write anything tonight.  Just felt a little birdie speaking quietly in my ear.  Funny thing too, shortly before sitting to type this, I straightened my bed and sat upright at the computer.

Today was a breakthrough day in fact.  I am just starting to recognize it.  Why you may ask?  Today I found my position.  Above and below both exist.  It is not simply that I am at the bottom of the pile forevermore.  And funnier still, my first impression of the passage above is its all about the order.  If one is respectful of those above him, and those that came before, how can he love anything except propriety?  That is what they are talking about.

In my time cultivating Tao, I can say that I have had a very hard time staying in my position.  Now, as I start to counsel Alain, I see so much more about the story.  In my observation, the story is about the family.  I mean, look at Jordan.  Everyone has shortcomings.  But those who grew up in a relatively balanced and harmonious household naturally understand the propriety.  In the family, everyone has their place.  The bigger the family, the less room there is for everyone's ego.  It's really kind of beautiful.

Of course, this is not how I grew up.  I grew up being self-centered and manipulative as this is what I learned from my mother. There was no family, there was just a group of individuals fighting for their desires and then my little sister suffering through all of it.  Yes apparently I am still angry about it. 

Fine, what does this mean to me now?  I DO LOVE THE ORDER.  Perhaps it is my military background and mindset, but I love the idea and concept of everyone having a position and responsibilities associated with that position.  My problem right now is that I lack the confidence to carry mine out.  Even tonight, reprimanding Alain and taking my "Colonel's" position.  I didn't want to do it.  I was afraid to do it.  Afraid he would fight back, afraid of his qi backlash and afraid that he wouldn't like me anymore.  To that I say BULLSHIT.  I respect EC and he calls me out all the time.  What I have to understand is that IT IS NOT PERSONAL.  The family has to have order.  We are a family at Eat, just as we are a family in Tao and the entire universe is just a family of wayward beings.

Let me repeat, I have to have the confidence to carry out my position.  That's what happened at Tien, I lost my confidence in myself, and of course they never had any in me anyway.  (All this is me dancing around the bush so to speak)  If I wasn't supposed to help guide Alain, would Heaven really have allowed him to follow me?  Would I really have gone through so many of the experiences that he is going through now.  WOULD I STILL BE HERE??? Drawing inspiration from The Analects and feeling deep love in my heart for the Propriety?  I do not believe so (still hard just to write "no")

I have heard so many times, in so many admonishments that Heaven does not make mistakes, well I guess that would have to include me.  I mean how easy is it for me to look at my mother and realize she is great and capable of great things, yet, she cannot see it at all?  Alright, so 2011 is going to be the year of Stability & Confidence.  Be patient with it.  Confidence comes from failing outright at something thousands of times until you finally figure it out.  One thing I do have is tenacity.  I need to rely on that more.  Stp.